Today's Bad Game No One Has Heard of Review:
Ninjabread Man for Wii
Developer: Conspiracy Entertainment
Developer: Conspiracy Entertainment
Yes, you heard me right, Ninjabread Man.
This is not a game about a loaf of bread dressed completely in black, with a sword. No, this is a game about a cute and cuddly gingerbread man with an eternally dark and threatening expression on his round lil' head. They barely put anything into the player model, only enough to make it look almost like it's running as fast as you actually move.
I'll try to avoid spoiling the story OH WAIT there is none. You run around for no adequately explained reason with a sword and some kind of.. throwing ball of energy, or something, and you attack and kill various monsters such as: cake, more cake, even more cake, and bees, all of which- with the exception of the bees- are the same models with slightly different looks.
Supposedly the monsters are invading your homeland, but there doesn't seem to be much there anyway so I don't know what the problem is. Starting on the gameplay itself now.
There are four levels and a "tutorial" for what it's worth. Some kind of Ninjabread sensei tells you how your controls work. I mean, he doesn't actually "tell you" per se, he just shows you an image of the nunchuck and arrows coming out of the nunchuck. Descriptive, and as in most games, completely obvious.
Playing around with the buttons lets you figure out the controls fairly quickly without any help, since you really can't do much and there are no consequences such as "losing ammo" or "losing health" (Although the health part only applies to the tutorial, in which you are invulnerable.), so there's no point in the tutorial, quite frankly. Although it does extend the gameplay by that one oh-so-important fraction of a second. You go outside the house you started in, and start running around and jumping and just having a "woo-look-how-fast-I-can-go" blast. That was sarcasm, by the way, it's really not that fun. The Ninjabread man does run quite fast though.
So there's an arrow at the bottom of your screen, eternally telling you which direction to go. The moment you start following that you find a gate. The tutorial really take off at this point, when you run once again into the old Ninjabread sensei. Or maybe it should be Senseibread. He "tells you" that you can jump by flicking the nunchuck upwards. Wait.. what? Okay, maybe that's not that bad, but this game doesn't have the best response time. Or response at all, really. It's very hard to get it to react to your movements. Luckily, the developers realize that their game is complete shovelware designed only for a quick buck, so you can also use the Z button on your nunchuck to jump. You can double jump, which completely gets rid of any doubt you had for the nunchuck before in terms of using it to jump, since the chances of you getting that second jump using the motion are one in a million. The point of the first gate is to jump up some stairs and grab a scroll. I don't know what the scroll is for and they don't explain it in the game. Once that's done you can go into the second gate, in which you're told how to attack. Swing the Wiimote, which may or may not work usually maybe sometimes. Again, it's very hard to get it to recognize your movements and so attacking is a bit of a pain. You destroy some enemies with your sword, grab a scroll, and move on. Third gate, and your sensei wants you to use the B button on the Wiimote to throw.. um.. things.. well I don't know what they are but they're some kind of long range attack so there. You have to hit several targets until a scroll appears and you can grab it. The more you use your long range attack, the more your meter charges up in the lower left hand corner, the image of the attack changes (Not that the actual attack itself changes it's look in any way), and it becomes more powerful. To the point where you can shoot at an enemy from across a room and kill them in one hit. Versus the three from your sword. Yeah.
You're transported to the first room, where there are mushrooms and cookies as platforms and enemies to kill. You jump up on the platforms, get some kind of glowing canister, a lock unlocks somewhere, and you repeat until you've unlocked all the locks and you can use the teleporter thing. You have to unlock a teleporter. So you can go somewhere else. So you can teleport again. I guess the point is to kill all the enemies but you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't need to describe the levels, because they're almost all EXACTLY THE SAME. The most interesting thing about this game was a disco-type floor you have to cross. You fall through and into some pie filling or something and get hurt. Oh yeah, I forgot, you can get hurt. And you will get hurt, a lot, if you use your sword. Whenever you kill an enemy a heart usually flies out which you can grab for a health boost. Back to the pie filling place. You see some green tiles with feet on them, and you immediately realize you have to walk above them on the disco floor to avoid falling. You do so and the world is right as rain. That's the entire game. Kill things with a completely unbalanced weapon, and jump places to get things to go somewhere to get things and kill things to go somewhere. Thanks for joining me.
This is not a game about a loaf of bread dressed completely in black, with a sword. No, this is a game about a cute and cuddly gingerbread man with an eternally dark and threatening expression on his round lil' head. They barely put anything into the player model, only enough to make it look almost like it's running as fast as you actually move.
I'll try to avoid spoiling the story OH WAIT there is none. You run around for no adequately explained reason with a sword and some kind of.. throwing ball of energy, or something, and you attack and kill various monsters such as: cake, more cake, even more cake, and bees, all of which- with the exception of the bees- are the same models with slightly different looks.
Supposedly the monsters are invading your homeland, but there doesn't seem to be much there anyway so I don't know what the problem is. Starting on the gameplay itself now.
There are four levels and a "tutorial" for what it's worth. Some kind of Ninjabread sensei tells you how your controls work. I mean, he doesn't actually "tell you" per se, he just shows you an image of the nunchuck and arrows coming out of the nunchuck. Descriptive, and as in most games, completely obvious.
Playing around with the buttons lets you figure out the controls fairly quickly without any help, since you really can't do much and there are no consequences such as "losing ammo" or "losing health" (Although the health part only applies to the tutorial, in which you are invulnerable.), so there's no point in the tutorial, quite frankly. Although it does extend the gameplay by that one oh-so-important fraction of a second. You go outside the house you started in, and start running around and jumping and just having a "woo-look-how-fast-I-can-go" blast. That was sarcasm, by the way, it's really not that fun. The Ninjabread man does run quite fast though.
So there's an arrow at the bottom of your screen, eternally telling you which direction to go. The moment you start following that you find a gate. The tutorial really take off at this point, when you run once again into the old Ninjabread sensei. Or maybe it should be Senseibread. He "tells you" that you can jump by flicking the nunchuck upwards. Wait.. what? Okay, maybe that's not that bad, but this game doesn't have the best response time. Or response at all, really. It's very hard to get it to react to your movements. Luckily, the developers realize that their game is complete shovelware designed only for a quick buck, so you can also use the Z button on your nunchuck to jump. You can double jump, which completely gets rid of any doubt you had for the nunchuck before in terms of using it to jump, since the chances of you getting that second jump using the motion are one in a million. The point of the first gate is to jump up some stairs and grab a scroll. I don't know what the scroll is for and they don't explain it in the game. Once that's done you can go into the second gate, in which you're told how to attack. Swing the Wiimote, which may or may not work usually maybe sometimes. Again, it's very hard to get it to recognize your movements and so attacking is a bit of a pain. You destroy some enemies with your sword, grab a scroll, and move on. Third gate, and your sensei wants you to use the B button on the Wiimote to throw.. um.. things.. well I don't know what they are but they're some kind of long range attack so there. You have to hit several targets until a scroll appears and you can grab it. The more you use your long range attack, the more your meter charges up in the lower left hand corner, the image of the attack changes (Not that the actual attack itself changes it's look in any way), and it becomes more powerful. To the point where you can shoot at an enemy from across a room and kill them in one hit. Versus the three from your sword. Yeah.
You're transported to the first room, where there are mushrooms and cookies as platforms and enemies to kill. You jump up on the platforms, get some kind of glowing canister, a lock unlocks somewhere, and you repeat until you've unlocked all the locks and you can use the teleporter thing. You have to unlock a teleporter. So you can go somewhere else. So you can teleport again. I guess the point is to kill all the enemies but you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't need to describe the levels, because they're almost all EXACTLY THE SAME. The most interesting thing about this game was a disco-type floor you have to cross. You fall through and into some pie filling or something and get hurt. Oh yeah, I forgot, you can get hurt. And you will get hurt, a lot, if you use your sword. Whenever you kill an enemy a heart usually flies out which you can grab for a health boost. Back to the pie filling place. You see some green tiles with feet on them, and you immediately realize you have to walk above them on the disco floor to avoid falling. You do so and the world is right as rain. That's the entire game. Kill things with a completely unbalanced weapon, and jump places to get things to go somewhere to get things and kill things to go somewhere. Thanks for joining me.
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